It came to me like a rush

Flooding to the surface

Before I even realized what I was doing

I shared that secret…

I don’t know what he thought

It’s not something I share

I prefer to remain the aloof

Funny woman that everyone

Wants to talk too…

Not the pathetic

Crybaby that allowed

Herself to get raped…

It was too much

The rush of memories…

The flood of tears that hit my eyes

It was so unexpected-

Something I wanted to hide

Forever…

When will it get easier?

When will the memories be

Less of a torment…

And just a passing thought.

Something that doesn’t make

Me want to find something

Sharp…

I need a day without that idea

Popping into my head…

If I could lock up the others,

Perhaps I could box up the other thoughts,

Lock them away like that small child

Within…

Looking for Answers today…

I recently joined my local Poly Group, which I’ve been getting the emails for over a week now.  They had a meeting already which I wasn’t well enough to go to.  I’d like to go to the next one but I wonder if I should…  I’d be going alone.   I’m not going to pick up anyone or anything.  I don’t want to give anyone that impression but just because my SO decided that he and his religion couldn’t come to terms with being poly. Anymore… does this mean that suddenly that all my feelings are suppose to change?

I just keep wondering if it would be ok if I went alone.  I mean he’d have to drive me and drop me off at the next meeting next month and then pick me up afterwards because it’s in the city over from us.  I don’t see myself driving to Tampa.  That much traffic seems too much even for me. 

I was just wondering if there were others that went to their own poly groups by themselves or if they saw people there that were by themselves.  Was it frowned on?  I just need to get out of this house some and quite wallowing in the self pity I seem to set myself up for all the time.

It’s clear that I’m not going to convert from my chosen Faith.  It’s my Path and I’m happy with it and I wish he could see it.  There are many things I wish he understood.  I try to be understanding of his own faith even though I believe that the religion that he has so much stock in is a CULT and has a hand in everything bad that has everything bad that has ever happened to me.  This would include what it’s done to him and my marriage.  Otherwise how can you be happy in the beginning and then suddenly decide that your “god” is telling you that the way you live is a sin, even though the women who you love, love you back.  I still don’t understand and I have tried, since I am involved in what the Christian church deems as not only as a “heathen and impure” but because of my beliefs and past deeds am going straight to their “hell.”  Not to be allowed to wallow in their version of the Christian, “heaven,” where all the other rapists, murderers, pedophiles and other good Christian born again people will be.  Well, NO THANK YOU!!!

I’m perfectly happy to pass through the Veil and into the Summerland, to rest with my loved ones till the Goddess can find me another place in this world.  If he loves me as much as he says he does, then he will allow me to make my own choices.  I’m not afraid to walk that Path… I’m not ready to yet.  But I’m not afraid.

Anyway, back to my original thought. Should I send a message to the moderator of the yahoo group first and ask her if it’s ok if I come alone and just explain why or do I keep lurking in the list just living through list of emails that fill my yahoo account.  I’ve never even gone to a group like this before as when we were a triad, back in the mid ‘90’s I had no idea the was such a thing.  I wonder if I would even feel uncomfortable being there alone…  I just don’t know what to do lately.  My friends are trying to help, I got invited to Orlando’s local scene… a Munch that will be held in a week or so and the Master that invited me is very good friends with my good friend, Crystal.  But Orlando is just too far away, I mean it’s about 1.5 hours away and I cant ask him to drive me that far for something like that.  it just seems a little awkward.  *shakes head* I don’t know what to do… stay home I guess, continue to write from here.

Blessed Be

A Tree

2007-04-29

secretly snuggled

under a brown wooden shell

downy

warm

reluctant to open

leafing into sunshine

loamy

wet after-rain smell

new stem

from two halves, two leaves

One tree

full with nests

yellow

beating

Eager to open

downy

wet

secretly snuggled

within a slate gray shell.